Thursday, January 8, 2009

Oh dear.

I feel COMPLETELY overwhelmed. I don't know what this is about, and I feel like this is going to turn into an overly emotional post {actually, I know this is going to turn into one}, but I need to put it down in completely incoherent, messy words.

Maybe it's Seasonal Affective Disorder. I love winter for a month, but the darkness, the cold, the unwillingness to go anywhere takes a very large toll on me. Does this happen to anybody else too? It's all I can do from hiding my head under the covers and staying there until it's warm and sunny and flowers are poking up from the ground. In fact, it's been really hard for me to get out of my warm bed and go to work for the past few weeks, which is strange because I'm an early riser and generally don't mind the hours between 5 and 8 a.m.

I've also got to stop buying and reading fashion magazines. I've realized that I can't do it anymore. By it, I mean I can't read them because it completely {excuse the language} fucks me up. I can't afford the clothes, I see no people that look like me {really, do models look like anybody except aliens?}, and all of a sudden, I'm attacked by insecurity that I really can't shake. I'm really upset about it too. There are so many beautiful people in the world; I see them every day, but why do I still feel like I must subscribe to the skinny, well-dressed model {hah} that I can't seem to replicate, ever? I'm 24. Isn't that too old to worry about how I look?

While worrying about how I look, I then worry about whether or not people see me as intelligent. I went to an excellent school, did very well, and have opinions, but sometimes, when faced with small talk with people, I can't articulate myself. I was always the girl who was unintentionally "funny". Some people see that as a good thing. I think it's terrible. How am I going to be taken seriously if everything out of my mouth makes some person laugh?

Why do I have these hangups? I've been trying to figure this out for such a goddamn long time, and I still don't have the answers. Do you? Help!

EDIT: I feel better now. Just needed to vent. Sorry for the massive dose of public insecurity!

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